Will I write anything profound or deep in this post? Hardly. Don’t expect much because I cannot keep my eyes open for more than ten seconds at this point in time. However, I just now remembered that I purchased this domain exclusively for the purpose of getting out some of my thoughts in a more constructive manner. Alas, my first post comes under the heavy influence of two strawberry flavored gummies designed to knock me out so I can wake up at 6 AM and hate my existence at work for yet another day.
I miss lucid dreaming. Early in 2014, I began to experiment with becoming lucid during my dreams and was able to make some great progress on that front. Now, nothing. It’s the caffeine which I have been addicted to, which necessitates me taking melatonin in order to fall asleep. I just don’t become lucid on melatonin most of the time, especially not with caffeine. I do have vivid dreams but they are mostly amalgamations of random shit happening in my waking reality or ones which evoke some aspect of the past and put me in a weird contemplative mood for the day….fuck that noise.
I’m writing a novel. This shit has been like Dr. Dre’s Detox album. Delays Delays. Promises of getting it done yet nothing. Honestly, I probably have hundreds of thousands of now useless words on my computers with nothing to show for it. Looking back, I’m actually glad I didn’t power through and release any of that material for a couple of reasons. First, there was no coherent plot or story to any of it. Secondly, it sucks. I have some stuff on a hard drive with my early attempts at writing a novel and it’s shocking to see the difference in my abilities over the years. That writing makes whatever drivel I’m typing at this moment look like…some great thing.
How to become a better writer?
I think that I’ve overloaded on the first one and the second one has suffered due to changes in my desires, thinking, and just overall shitty work ethic when it comes to fiction writing. I sometimes think that it doesn’t interest me at all. I put it off and try to avoid actually doing any writing for this novel. I’ve become more interested in philosophy and visual art than exploring the depths of a fictional character, who is only going to serve as a vehicle to express my philosophy and perceptions of the world in an easily digestible way. I could abandon it and simply put the thought away but I have finally developed a unique voice to my writing…so…….
Really it’s just like some goal that I set a long time ago, which just hangs over my head and I can’t even remember why I set it in the first place.
It gets me thinking as to what are the things in my life that I do want. Things that I actually want to do. Namely, I want freedom. Financial freedom, so that I may explore, consciousness, reality, philosophy, art, vagina beyond this immediate area code. These are my interests, don’t judge me, slutmouth. It pisses me off that I currently make hundreds of dollars a month passively but not thousands. I wake up each day hoping that Google and its search algorithm will act more favorably towards my websites and I’ll suddenly be making three times as much as I do working a job. This is a haunting thought, my prison sentence could be lifted in an instant. Imagine just having money deposited each month to your bank account and being able to do literally anything with your days. This is already a reality, its just not enough, I’m stuck in the middle with you….
Tired as hell, was going to delve into the practical application of philosophy in everyday life and perception but I’m off to the dreamscape to hopefully have a lucid dream about cockpunching a leprechaun.