I fell asleep around 6:30 this morning and had to get up to go to work at 8. An hour and a half worth of snooze time, made me think that today was definitely going to be a completely lost day. Some good things happened though, I wasn’t terribly tired physically, I still dragged my ass to the gym after work to go for a run, got home and had made like $60 from my sites, and got my shipment of fragrance samples (some of which are horrendous). Not too bad. Sure, I worked the rest of the day and didn’t do any work on my other projects but whatever.
Anyways, the reason I started to write this post was because the 1.5 hours of sleep made my thoughts interesting today. I was pretty chill all day long but I kept having daydreams and was thinking a lot about past events. I was stuck mentally on this period of time that I spent with a girl some years back BUT the twist was that in my daydream I was thinking about another girl inhabiting that role instead of the original one.
Actresses get replaced all the time but Girl B, replaced Girl A within real events, and then sort of added a layer of story line to my memories. The whole thing made me feel a sense of longing but it wasn’t really about either girl at all, it was about the moments that they inhabit within my mind.
There were a few weeks with Girl A, which were just ridiculously happy and positive. Like every moment of the day during this time, was consumed by thoughts of her and the level of love and connection was just absurd between us. I had never reached a level that intense with anybody that quickly, but just as quickly it all ended. It’s really weird to think about her now because the feelings simply aren’t there anymore, I have no contact with her, and I’m not even aware of her existence.
This all got me thinking, how much the people in our lives become like ghosts, once their initial impact fades. I honestly have trouble recalling specific instances with different girls I have been with but their memories still haunt my subconscious. The power, however, seems to lie in the moment in time itself. The memory of the time period is laden with certain feelings and triggers that the person themselves can no longer provide.
So, instead of being objects of my desire they have now by the process of time been transmuted into actresses in a scene, easily swapped out for one another based on the pleasure of my neural pathways. Replaying these scenes in my head and enhancing them or rewriting the endings feels like it is important. As if, it’s a reminder of the life experiences we lose track of while caught up in the day to day bullshit of society. I felt old and like my mind was chasing the tail end of a fading sunset before the close of summer.
Longing and melancholy aren’t bad feelings to me, they have a certain sweetness to them, yet are constantly associated with bitterness. I like the way that they make me feel human and not like a commodity or consumer looking for my next fix of faux pleasure. The past acts as a database which I can visit and re-upload these moments and emotions to my conscious state with relative ease…but I have the distinct notion that I now want to serve up fresh moments in time, that can be stored away and revisited.
Not sure if any of this makes sense, I slept 1.5 hours and it’s now 11 PM. SLEEEPPPPPPP